In moderation?

Even though I promised not to talk about exercise in this blog, I felt like I needed to get this off my chest. So I'm not so good at keeping promises...but we all knew that already! :)

When I started running at age 13, I couldn't just be a normal 13-year-old runner (if there is such a thing). No, not me. I had to be the star of the cross-country team. I wasn't blessed with natural talent like many of my fellow runners, so instead I worked my butt off, never skipping a practice and doing extra on the weekends. By high school, I'd made the varsity team and was consistently placing in every race. Running was pretty much my life outside of school. And while I was never the star of the team, I bet I was the fastest girl out there who was 5' tall with a big ass and dumpy legs. With my lack of talent, something like a 21:35 5K time (sadly, I can't even remember my exact PR) was the best I could have hoped for.

I completely gave up running for a few years and picked it back up again at age 24 when my friend Katie talked me into running a half-marathon. After several earnest attempts, I realized there was no way I could be fast like I was in high school (six years and 30 pounds will do that to you). So instead I took it to the other extreme: long distance. Two years later, I had three half-marathons, a bunch of century rides, a few tris, a marathon and a half-ironman under my belt and I was hungry for more.

Well, all of you know how the story ends. No more running or biking, at least (crosses fingers, toes, legs, arms and eyes) for the time being. Today I'm at the point where I can swim, lift weights and occasionally go for a walk or do the elliptical machine when I feel up to it. Every time I try to push myself harder than that, I pay for it.

No matter what happens on Feb. 28, I think the message here is clear: I need to learn how to exercise in moderation, because the extreme didn't work for me. I need to learn how to work out 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, and to stay in good shape without killing myself. It sounds simple...but for me, this feels like an impossibility.

I'm not an "in moderation" type of person.

I either do something to the extreme, or I become an extreme slacker. My house is either disasterous or spotless. I either get 4 hours of sleep or 14 hours. I eat a balanced diet, or I eat fast food three times a day. Before I quit drinking, I drank to get drunk. Everything in my life, even something as simple as chewing gum (I chew so much that I gave myself jaw problems!), is pretty much an all-or-nothing event. Most people who know me well would say "duh," but I didn't get it until recently. (Yeah...apparently I should have done this therapy thing years ago.)

Unfortunately, I can't quit exercising like I quit drinking. I mean, I could, but that wouldn't be good either. So instead, I have no choice but to learn how to moderate and be okay with it -- both now and after my surgery. Maybe someday I'll be able to run another marathon, but focusing on that now isn't going to get me anywhere. So, I guess I have no choice -- I have to keep working at this moderation thing.

So, after I eat this third fun-sized Snickers...I'm going to the gym. For 30 minutes.